Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
