Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
