she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
