So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
