***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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