Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
