I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
