im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
