He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
