The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
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