Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
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Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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