what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He felt like a one man threesome
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
