Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
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The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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