Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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