I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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