Define "chronic" masturbator.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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