idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
