she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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