How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
