Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
