I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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