What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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