There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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