They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
