either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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