Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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