Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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