You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
