do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
