why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He? As in you personified your dick?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
