Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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