The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wear drunk well.
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