nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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