I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
