When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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