Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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