I heard we made out
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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