stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
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I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
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Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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