If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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