My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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