I wish I could teleport
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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