just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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