I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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