honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
