I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
