He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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