im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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