I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
