just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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