I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
