i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
