"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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