dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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