My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
