I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
