this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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