thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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