YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
time to smoke my breakfast
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
